The Frustration of Being Unheard
One of the most frustrating things in the world is trying to communicate with someone who just won’t listen. As human beings, we tend to keep talking away while the other person has zero interest in hearing us out. This is what I call driving down a dead-end street.
Arrogance or Desperation: Why We Keep Talking
Maybe it’s arrogance or self-righteousness—I deserve to be heard; they should listen to me. You might be right, but they’re not. Other times, you spot the conversational red lights: their face gets tense and red, they break eye contact, or they slap a hand over their forehead in exasperation. Still, you keep hammering away, desperate to “get your point across.”
Unheard Pasts and Missed Signals
That second scenario often comes from not being heard enough in the past—you’ve got them in front of you, so you’re taking your shot. Some folks, though, just miss the signs of openness or when someone’s non-verbally defensive or shut down. In a session, I might ask a client, “Do you think your partner is open or closed?” More often than not, they say, “I don’t know.” I’ll joke, “That might be useful info if you want to be heard.”
The Root Causes: Desperation and Ignorance
We’ve all been there, no doubt. I know I have. Pounding away even though I lost my partner a couple minutes ago—frustration, hurt, or fear pushing me on. Why do we keep chasing communication that’s so ineffective? After working with hundreds of couples, I’d pin it on two main culprits: desperation and ignorance.
When Desperation Takes Over
If your partner chronically avoids or shuts down, it’s maddening. At some point, you’re so desperate to be heard and get a response that you settle for just getting something out. You might crank up the volume or take jabs at their vulnerabilities to spark engagement. But then they usually double down on withdrawing.
The Impact of Poor Communication Models
As for ignorance, most of us fall into this trap to some degree. No one really taught us effective communication or modeled it well. We’re stuck with strategies we picked up early in life, no matter how lousy they are. Meanwhile, our partner’s often just as clueless, and we end up in a chronic cold war or endless conflict.
A Game-Changer Strategy: Stop When They’re Closed
I can’t cover everything here, but I’ll give you one strategy to cut down on the frustration, hurt, and hopelessness. It’s a way to “stop the bleeding,” so to speak. It takes self-discipline, but the payoff’s worth it. Here it is: STOP TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO ISN’T OPEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
Start with a Simple Check-In
Two alternatives can help. First, check in with them upfront—ask if they’re open to what you want to share. It sounds simple, but it’ll save you headaches and heartache. Here’s a template:
“I wanted to talk about last night. I’m not trying to prove you wrong or win at your expense. I’d like us to handle these things better as a couple so we can feel more connected and secure. Are you open to that?”
Don’t Aim for Perfection—Just Be Clear
For some, that might feel like a foreign language—and for others, it literally is. You don’t have to nail it word-for-word; just get close. By stating your intent, aiming for a positive outcome together, and checking for openness, you dodge a ton of emotional pain.
If they’re open, awesome. If not, it ends there—no full-blown conflict cycle. If they’re closed off, you can ask, non-defensively, what’s making them resistant or what they’d need to feel open to exploring it. That can uncover their internal block, which you can then work through together for better openness and conflict resolution.
Stay Curious and Keep Checking In
One more tactic: keep checking in during the convo. Don’t assume openness sticks just because they said yes at the start. We all get triggered by stuff that shuts us down. You can’t overdo it—try things like, “How’s this landing with you?” “Does this make sense?” “Can you take in what I’m saying?” “What comes up for you when I say this?”
Practice Makes Progress
These strategies sound basic, but they’re powerful when you pull them off. Give yourself time to get comfortable with them. Pick one or two to focus on so you don’t get overwhelmed or discouraged. At the very least, asking for openness upfront keeps you from feeling unimportant and powerless after a dead-end exchange.
Unlocking Real Communication
Plus, as you figure out what opens your partner up and how they best take in info, you might finally get the responses you’ve been craving. Step back, bring some humility and non-judgmental curiosity to the table, and more often than not, your partner—or whoever you’re talking to—will hand you the keys to unlock them.
Contact Hawkins Counseling Center today to schedule a online or in person therapy session.
