Someone tells you that you look great, and before they finish the sentence you are pointing out the stain on your shirt. Your boss praises your work in a meeting, and you bring up the part that went wrong. A friend says she is proud of you, and you change the subject.

Most people call this being modest. Often it is a defense.

What Happens When I Say Something Good

In AEDP, taking in good things is treated as part of the core emotional work, right alongside grief, anger, and fear. So when I notice something good in a client, I tell them. Then I ask what happens inside when they hear it.

The answers come back remarkably alike. It is hard for me to take it in. It feels uncomfortable. I go numb. My chest gets tight.

Their reaction tells me where to go next. Whether they agree with what I said interests me less than what their body did with it.

The Part That Keeps It Out

So I ask another question. What would happen if you let it all the way in?

At this point I am talking to the protective part, the one that has been keeping good things from reaching them. I want to know what it is worried about. What does it believe would happen if this person fully received kindness, or praise, or care?

The protective part almost always explains itself once someone asks. Behind its explanation, there is a wound. Maybe good attention came with a price when this person was young. Maybe it disappeared as fast as it arrived, or it was followed by criticism. Keeping good things at a distance meant they could never be taken away.

Once we understand what the part is protecting, it can begin to relax, and the wound underneath can finally get some attention.

What Opens Up

As a person’s capacity to receive grows, they can start taking in good things about themselves. When someone gives them a compliment, they actually hear it. Affection from a partner feels warm instead of confusing. Kind words from a friend stay with them for the rest of the afternoon.

Moreover, each good thing that gets through adds to a sense of worthiness that was missing. People who feel worthy have a much easier time connecting with others, because they are no longer bracing against the very thing they want.

The first time this happens can feel strange. Receiving something you have gone without for years can bring up tears, a shaky feeling, or a nervous kind of warmth. Those feelings are normal when something is new, and they get easier the more it happens. In addition, AEDP slows down and stays with this moment, the same way it would stay with grief, because the good feeling needs time to be felt all the way through too.

The next time someone says something kind to you, try something small. Let them finish the sentence. Say thank you and nothing else. Then notice what happens in your chest for the next few seconds.

You are allowed to have good things. Your body may need a little time to believe it.